The little adamant girl

1996 – A little girl from Grade 5 was picked by her class teacher to participate in the “Ruffles Talk Spontaneously” inter school competition. The theme of this competition was to pick a chit on the stage and start talking on it – an extempore. This little girl stepped onto the dais and picked a chit which said “Parents”. It was a pretty simple topic. However seeing about 500 heads off the stage, her hands trembled in fear. The head of the mic seemed like a giant in front of her. She said “Parents, p-arents, pa-rents, aaaaa-re good good care takersssssss..” Everyone could only hear the hissing ssssssss after that. Tears rolled down her cheeks. Her time was up and she left the stage all lost. Soon after the competition when she went back to her class, her teacher said “You’re such a shame to the class. I had much trust on you and you broke it. I should have chosen someone else”. She silently listened and could do nothing but cry. She felt embarrassed and broken. Later that evening she went back home with her brain multiplying what had happened that day. Her mind told her “I’d give you a year’s time from now. Challenge yourself to participate in such event next year and you need not win a laurel but at least talk confidently in front of the crowd!”. But her pessimistic mind told her “Just stop thinking about this. You could not succeed in this anymore. This is not your cup of tea. Forget it!”. Her mind refused to give up although it wanted to. “STOP IT! I WONT THINK ABOUT IT NOW” – she screamed.

1997 – The girl was in grade 6 when yet another extempore was coming up. This time it was still tough as she was the youngest to compete with her seniors in high school. She made up her mind to give it a try and her new teacher agreed to give her a chance. There she was on the dais and this time she got the topic “The need of this hour to ban plastic bags”. “Oh my God! Parents were much better than plastic bags! Will you be able to talk about this spontaneously? Are you going to fail once again?” her pessimistic mind approached her. She tried to keep her mind voice as feeble as she could and told herself “Come what may! This is my stage today”. She continued and to her surprise she won the first prize too!

1999 – There was a bigger fund raising campaign for the Kargil war relief. The little girl had now grown up to be in grade 8. She was the one among the two who were handpicked to give a talk for 10 minutes on the Kargil war in front of the whole school. 2 minutes talk to 10 minutes now. “This is a good sign. I told you to take this challenge! Good going” told her fairy, her optimistic mind. On the other hand, the devil inside her, the pessimistic mind warned her “2 mins extempore was a sheer luck. But this would be an embarrassment if it flops. Remember you’re not in primary school anymore but in Grade 8. Your juniors may make fun of you”. She ignored. The great day arrived. She was slightly nervous but tried to overcome it. She started slowly and gained energy as she started talking. She went on and on and with a fully satisfied mind, completed her speech. There was a great round of applause.

2001 – The maiden was now facing her board exams of grade 10. She had to change school in grade 10 due to a relocation and fairly outperformed others in her new school. She was happy about her performance and continued to grade 11.

2003 – Darker days yet again. She was extremely upset about her health condition and lost many days in school. She was an irregular attendee to school and also had to change her school in the mid of her grade 12. She was broken, depressed and anxious about her future. This was when her pessimistic mind took a complete control and started ruling her. She performed badly in her exams. She managed to pass with an 80 percent which was not sufficient to enter a good university. “You are fit for nothing. You have performed poorly than your siblings and friends” the devil inside her sung and danced.

She told her parents that she would opt for an Engineering course despite her ill health at the moment. She got into an Engineering degree college which was not a famous one. She was seen as the calmest sensitive idiot in her first semester. She was also the laughing stock in her class. “Girls and boys, there is a seminar to be conducted by one of you on “Smart materials”. Anyone interested to nominate?” her Physics Professor asked. The Angel told her “Hey, this is a chance to bring back your extempore skills. Come on. Do it now” she raised her hand without realizing. There were two days left and she started preparing seriously. She referred many books, understood the concepts pretty well and got confident. She even found a mistake in the text book that there was an erroneous calculation.

The seminar started. She felt quite confident as she progressed and also gave an example sum on the board. Her classmate Bala referred to his text book and pointed out that her answer was wrong. She then went step by step and asked him his observation at the end of every step and made him derive the final answer which matched hers. Professor Sathyamurthy came to the dais applauding and said “This is one of the best seminar that I have seen. Well done!” She was extremely happy and the devil inside her hid its face momentarily.

She had an adamant mind to do something opposite to what her devil mind would tell her. She participated in symposiums, technical events, and seminars and challenged the devil within her. She did not know that she was only competing with herself every time. This happened in every phase of her life. She took everything seriously. There were tough times, fights, tears, anxiety, depression and so on. Her devil was chasing her but she tried to outdo it. She lost the battle at times and she won it at times.

2011 – She was fairly doing better in her job. She now seemed to have been away from her tough challenges from the past keeping herself busy. She was doing her MBA and working as well. Her right hand trembled in pain. She faced this a lot many times and found it extremely hard to work with computers. She consulted an orthopedic surgeon and was on cast for three weeks. After a day of sick leave, she felt even sicker. Her Angel now told her “You’re not sick. Get out of this house and get back to work now”. She joined back office the next day with the cast when her manager asked her to take sick leave. She said she would manage and continued for the next three weeks.

After three weeks the cast was removed. However within a week, the pain shook her again. She consulted the surgeon once again and this time was on therapy with a splint. After a few weeks, this failed too. She underwent an MRI and found that this was a strange condition called the “Kienbocks disease”. She was in stage 2 when diagnosed. Multiple times on cast, physiotherapy and nothing worked. This seemed to take away her peace at work. After a month, on a review it was found that the disease is now in stage 3A which was a faster progression.

She was referred to a leading hand surgeon who said the only option would be a major surgery. She started researching on this disease and found that no surgery maybe successful and there are chances that her wrist would become dysfunctional and she would no longer be able to work. She cried and cried. She feared to look at herself. She knew that she had failed multiple times in the past and all that she had in mind was her career for which she struggled. She had a one year old daughter by now and feared if she would return safely after surgery. The devil started telling her “You are no longer going to work. You’d be dependent on someone throughout your life”. She was admitted to the hospital for surgery. She pleaded her husband in pain “Please let me go. I don’t need this surgery. Let me work until I can.” Her husband would not let her go.

The Doctor visited her the previous evening before her surgery and she pleaded the doctor as well. He convinced her and asked her to calm down. The day dawned but not for her. Hesitant to go, she sat on the wheel chair. Tears rolled down her cheeks and she continued her way to the operation theater. Her angel told her in a feeble voice, “Don’t worry. You will recover”. But her devil told her “It’s all over. Forget your career NOW. No more computer jobs”.

After eight hours of surgery, she could hear as if someone was calling her from a deep well “Can you hear us?” She shook her head. Later after she regained consciousness, she tried every task that she could using her left hand. She was on cast for 3 months and struggled with K wires. After the first set of cast and wires were removed, she could feel the electric shock on her wrist and arm. She was on cast yet again for 2 months. She was very sure that she could no longer use this for her computer related career nor to write simple articles she was fond of. She could do nothing but cry.

Her Angel told her “Why don’t you try your tasks with your other hand?”. She tried that but could not succeed at once. Many times she threw her books, pens, even her laptop a couple of times in anger and frustration. However after a short pause she would try it again. Slowly it started working and she went back to work even before the final cast was removed. She continued and regained her inner strength. Years after the surgery, her restricted wrist movement or the pain seemed nothing to her. She would visit the doctor on a periodic basis. Many from the community also told her this condition may turn up yet again anytime. Her devil told her “This moment is just temporary. You may need to stop working anytime”. Her Angel on the other hand tells herself “Six years since the surgery now. The pain has been worst and at times seems life taking too. But you survived fairly well. Remember the extempore competition? The second year you made up your mind that you will participate and do your best even if you don’t win. It’s the same situation today. Participate for the wellness of your career. Don’t ever give up! Be adamant for what you want!” “Oh no…. you are definitely going to fail” her other mind told.

“Come what may! I define my destiny” she told herself. There she is, drafting her blog after six years since surgery. Six years before she was not sure if she would continue her work or her little writing. Here she is working relentlessly without a single break in her career. Here she is reaching to the clinic at 6 pm after work to get her eye checked today. Here she is continuing her calls till 9 pm and looking at the documents with her dilated eyes. Here she is finishing her few last tasks for the day at 11 pm. 

Here she is drafting her little story at midnight just because she wanted to complete it on the day she had her surgery.

Of course, this is not a great achievement in life. There are many more people struggling in life and making their way out of it. My story is just a drop in the Ocean. 

All of us have an Angel and Devil residing within us. We often get biased towards the Devil knowing it drives us to depression, anxiety and negativity in life. However if you pay serious attention, you could hear the feeble voice of your Angel within you. The Devil often suppresses the Angel. However the more and more you could listen to your Angel and try your best, the Devil fails in controlling you.

At some point of time, you’d realize the Devil’s voice becoming feeble and your Angel takes over. This is the time when you realize “Life is Beautiful!”

It’s no different to the devils around you, the critics who try to pull you down at work or personal life. The more and more you ignore and giggle at these devils, they’d be ashamed and run away from you!

“She is a stubborn girl! You pampered her so much and spoilt her” my mom told at times to my dad. But it was this stubborn mind that keeps me running. The little stubborn girl within me wakes me up every time I fall!